No, Marina, I *AM* a robot

John Dies at the End - David Wong

Bullet Review:

Bleh. I tried and I tried and I tried to like this disgusting, gory, weird little book, and it just isn't happening. I'm sure there's an audience for this type of book, but it sure as hell ain't me. And, as I've said before, life's too short to be wasted on books I'm not liking.

Full Review:

I have to write a review for this? Really? And a plot summary? How do I even begin to sort through the batsh!t weird that happens in this book into a cohesive, comprehensive summary? Do I even really want to?

Dave and John are people to whom weird things happen, like fighting meat monsters, taking drugs called "Soy Sauce", and meeting Hair Monsters.

And really, beyond that, is there even a plot to this book? I get writing weird for the sake of weird, but isn't there some point in which you have to ask yourself, "Why?"

David Wong is a lie; his name is actually Jason Pargin, and he is the editor-in-chief at Cracked.com. And in honor of the fact, I will be doing my review of this book in the form of most of their articles: A List.

6 Reasons Why This Book Makes No Sense to Me and Why I Am Probably a Robot in Disguise

1. I have tried to read these sorts of humor books in the past and failed. A few years back, I tried to read Year Zero and gave up. It wasn't funny! I didn't laugh! I just had my head cocked to the side going, "What is GOING ON?" And we all know that robots have trouble digesting humor - look at Data in "The Next Generation" movie!

2. Body functions, genitalia, big boobs, sex, and gore are not what I call funny. Oh, sure, I'll laugh at Buddy belching in "Elf" because it's absolutely ridiculous, but for the most part, there has to be a JOKE, a setup beyond "And so-and-so steps in a pile of dog poo" for me to laugh. Given the large number of comedies that function solely on this premise and continue to get made, this is another reason why I am most probably a robot.

3. I prefer female characters to have character beyond a name (preferably not a cheesy one-off joke about a celebrity) and a set of legs or boobs or nice ass. Again, this seems to be a rarity in this bipedal culture.

4. I prefer male characters to have character as well, beyond being drug addicts, alcoholics, and sex maniacs who joke about how huge their genitalia are. I am not sure if humans are familiar with the concept of "strengths, weakness, and hopes and dreams beyond getting laid with a hot set of breasts", but this is what constructs such as myself are looking for when we pick up a book, even one that is a humor book.

5. I liked Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but not this. The oddities in "Hitchhiker's" spoke to me about the inanities of life and the stupidity of the characters; the oddities in "Not Dead" speak to the ability of the author to create weird for the pure sake of weird. I do not understand why this is so, but I have read other reviews in an attempt to bridge the gap. Given the reviews I've seen, this seems to be the final proof that I am, indeed, an automaton.


6. There seems to be no reason for the events of this book beyond being weird. See Number 5.

And there you have it; all these evidences that point to the conclusion that I am indeed a robot, still learning how to emote and feel. It seems everyone else (including all my book club members) loved this book or at least liked it, so that must mean I am a robot.

Excuse me; I have a meeting with a few friends of mine. We're going to discuss why people cry at the end of "Titanic".