Sexual harassment is SO ROMANTIC - NOT!

Hush, Hush  - Becca Fitzpatrick

Bullet Review:

Twilight. With Angels. And a far creepier, more abusive boyfriend than Edward Cullen.

No, literally.

And yes, I didn't think it would ever be possible to have a boyfriend more abusive, controlling than Edward, but at least Edward didn't make constant sexual innuendos to Bella. Or make her feel afraid all the time. Or tell her he was trying to kill her.

F@#$ all the people in this book to whom Nora basically screams, "PATCH IS A STALKER AND WON'T RESPECT MY SPACE" and they just chuckle and tell her she's crazy.

F@#$ Nora for not having a single brain cell.

Nora's mom also needs to have CPS called on her STAT for all her parenting skills. Never thought I'd say this, but at least Charlie in Twilight GAVE A F@#$ING DAMN and tried.

Characters: 0 stars
Writing: 2 stars
Plot: 0 stars
Sexism: 0 stars
Entertainment value: 5 stars

By my estimation, 2 stars is more than generous.

No, I won't be reading the sequels.

Yes, I do believe this is one of the few books that deserves to be burned. At least you would be getting heat from its burning.

Full Review:

Have you read Twilight in the past decade? Do you like your heroines to be idiots and your heroes to be oppressive, harassing d-bags? For friends to laugh off charges of sexual assault and harassment? For parents to be constantly absent and authority figures to be complicit with said assault/harrassment and/or jealous of the heroine?

Well, I have a book to tell you about.

I'm not going to bother with a plot summary, because people, there isn't one. Or at least, there is not one that you haven't seen 80 million times in Every. Single. Published. YA novel in the last 10 years. It's the same damned "a new hot boy moved into town and he's SO MYSTERIOUS and BAD that he makes the 'plain jane' heroine's panties all wet and her hands all clammy oh sh!t, we don't have a plot let's throw one in the last 20 pages" blah blah blah.

It's Twilight. In Maine. With Angels. And different names.

OK, that's not exactly fair. I'm being rather insulting to Twilight. (Please note, when I say "Twilight", I mean "Twilight", notBreaking Wind". That book deserves every ounce of criticism it receives.)

Twilight didn't have Edward toss sexual come-ons every time they talked.

Twilight didn't make Bella quiver in fear whenever Edward was around. (Yes, she lacked any sort of "normal" response around Edward, but that's another tale.)

Twilight didn't have Charlie and Renee be completely absent. You know, they occasionally (not enough) checked in on their daughter to be sure she was still, you know, alive. And they monitored her boyfriend.

Other than having a mildly more interesting heroine (Nora *is* friendly to Vee, less moody and emo than Bella, and doesn't hide that with her long "bar stool legs", she's hott), there is nothing to recommend "Hush, Hush" over "Twilight". And given that "Twilight" has become a joke, that's saying a lot.

Because when this book opened, I actually liked Nora. Before she opened her mouth, proved herself a moron, and continued to act like a decapitated Barbie doll for the rest of the book. Before she kept investigating Patch, even though everything about her was saying, "STAY AWAY!" Even when he gave her threatening smiles, antagonized her, harassed her, and sexually assaulted her.

What is WITH IT with this trend of making our heroes one hair shy of a trip to jail with life for sexual assault? Is this sexy? Because I certainly don't find Patch sexy AT ALL. Patch is deplorable, and I don't care how hott he is. Oh, wait - a sexy hott guy harassing and pining a girl to a wall is OK. If he were UGLY, THEN we would have a problem.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I just can't seem to focus. Much like our moron, Nora. Or Vee. Or how about just about everyone in this mindless, brainless sexual assault victim training manual?

Nora can't conduct an interview to save her life - even though she's a reporter for the school ezine.

Vee is one big walking Fat Girl joke. When she isn't a sex joke. Or laughing off her friend's concerns about being harassed by Patch. What was the point of having her in here again? So that Nora could have a female friend?

If Coach existed in the real world, he wouldn't be teaching biology (BIOLOGY?!) anymore. No one conducts a class in such a p!ss-poor fashion. And to BRUSH OFF Nora's request for seat movement because Patch is sexually harassing her?!

But how can I single out Coach for his incompetency when you also have the triple-whammy of Absentee Mom, Dorothea ZIE GERMAN housekeeper JAH, and Miss Green, that selfish school counselor?

Blythe (Nora's mom) might as well not even exist, for all that she's in this book. I can't really imagine a mother that is THAT negligent and oblivious. It's astonishing, really. Even Charlie, that mindless, clueless, brainless father that he was, actually bothered to check in on Bella's life occasionally. Sure, he was more ploy and contrivance than an actual character, but he did care for his daughter and ATTEMPT to look out for her. When he wasn't, like, fishing or crap. But here, every time Nora even THINKS about telling her mom, she's like, "Nope! Can't do that! Mom will quit her job." You know what, hunny? Given how things are, maybe Mommy Dearest needs to quit her job and stick around more. Just sayin'.

If Dorothea is to take care of the house and Nora, she ought to be fired. The crap she lets past her radar is ridiculous.

And Miss Green? Really, Nora is going to be jealous and hateful of her because Miss Green is all googoo for Patch?

Eliott? Jules? WHY? WHY ARE YOU HERE?

I could go on and on. Really, everything can be summed into EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IS A MORON!

I am not sure why this is categorized as urban fantasy or paranormal romance, because frak me, the paranormal elements didn't appear until a good 3/4 through the book and we don't get any frakkin' answers until the 80% mark. Before then, it's just:

Nora chases after Patch.
Patch is an @$$.
Nora tries to ask questions.
Patch makes sexual come on.
Nora is scared and turned on.
Patch runs off.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. AD NAUSEUM.

This is not a plot. You cannot write books like this. Having arguments to show "sexual tension" is not a plot. Having a random guy in a ski mask attack a Neon is not a plot. Going to Victoria's Secret is not a plot.

In general: You can't throw your plot into the pot in the last 50 pages! People! How hard is this??

Oh, and by the way? Just because a guy wears a ski mask does NOT mean he immediately is the attacker. Just sayin'.

I guess in Fitzpatrick's favor, her writing isn't terrible.

"A lethal smile seemed to rise in his [eyes???]."

On second thought???

"Men are attracted to beauty, because it indicates health and youth."

F@#$ you, book, and your sexist attitudes.

"Maybe it was self-defense. I heard it was dark and raining. It would be easy to mistake Vee for a moose. Or a bear or a buffalo. Really any hulking animal would do."

Is it wrong that the only time I laughed in legitimate good humor was when Marcie said this?

I don't typically believe in book burning and book banning because it starts a bad trend and nearly every books has SOMETHING good about it. But the best thing from this book would probably be the warmth you would get as it went up in flames. I'm astonished and disheartened that this became a bestseller with a "saga". This is as much a saga as my daily exploits in the toilet.

A deplorable book. Avoid at all costs.

Unless you are like me and enjoy the snark. Then feel free to jump on board and have a laugh.

P.S. I suppose after Fitzpatrick's "Be Nice" post, I ought to have toned this down, but given she's made millions off these, squeezed money out of me and took my time...