I just don't even...

Katana, Vol. 1: Soultaker - Ann Nocenti

Bullet Review:

WHAT THE F$&@ DID I JUST READ??!

*brains melts*

WORST COMIC EVAH.

Full Review:

Just contemplating writing a review for this...this...pile of slick paper...gives me a migraine. I've been avoiding coming back to this non-review because I just don't even have the words to say how GORRAM AWFUL this is.

Let's start with the cover blurb. THANK GOD for cover blurb authors! Had he or she not written those few paragraphs on the back, I would have been LOST in the middle of the jungle in my skivvies and a bowl to defeat the snakes at my feet. Figuring out what the plot of this Pile of Slick Paper (PSP) is impossible. And it's impossible because it changes every few pages.

I was going to go all creative and make a Wheel jpeg at this point and put in the dozen or more plots that cycle through this book and then do a funny WHEEL OF PLOT LINES routine! But then I figured that that time spent in Corel Paint might be better spent using my words to talk about the lack of cohesion in this PSP. And I didn't need yet another excuse to procrastinate on writing this review.

You might think, since this is about Katana and Katana is Japanese, this may influence the style choices of the book. Maybe it would bear similarity to samurai comics.

Maybe it does, but f@#$ if I could tell. I could follow the plot in Lone Wolf and Cub; I didn't have to flip to the f@#$ing back of the book to figure out where the f@#$ I was in the plot.

It's like a kid hyped up on Pixie Sticks. I just saw a few episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras yesterday because I was cleaning out closets and wanted some background noise but nothing I would care too much about (hence how the audiobooks got nixed). And I do imbibe in junk TV; sometimes I will shamefully deny it, but I like my junk TV, my Kitchen Nightmares, my Clean House, my Toddlers & Tiaras.

Seriously, they take a little girl and do THAT to her?!

Nocenti starts out with one thing...and then Killer Croc appears and eats a sword! Time to head to Japan and practice with the coil sword. Next page is Shun the Untouchable, a woman who's entire body is one tattoo of some obscure THING. Why?

Don't look behind that curtain moron! DON'T LOOK!

Jack Ryder is an asshole who always appears at the scene of the crime. Katana fights against her brother-in-law. OH NO!!! Nori's business is in shambles!

Come to think of it...it's been EONS since I last saw the "Wizard of Oz". I read "Wicked", didn't feel it, but have always wanted to see the musical. And THEN there's that NEW Oz movie I want to check out, but have been a bit intimidated about since half the people LURVE IT and the other half say it's MEH.

The art goes from being OK (nothing memorable) to OMG WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER FACE??!?! No wonder, as there is a carousel of people that parade through this PSP, popping in to scribble some drawings and then leaving. Seriously, there are FIFTEEN artists in the credits. FIFTEEN.

Consistency...out the window!

My office was recently redesigned so that I was forced to move from my nice window cube to one near the front door. Why do I always get stuck near the front door? That's where my first cube was, and there I am, back at the front door. At least it's near the water fountain and the bathroom.

And then...to make it "better"...the comic just ends. The last issue is slapshod non-ending with a cliffhanger that will never see a conclusion because after 10 issues, DC FINALLY WOKE THE F@#$ UP and canceled this POS PSP.

Awful characters.

Awful art.

Cliched plot (What plot you could find).

Inconsistent.

Inscrutable.

Recommended for: Torture. And Anne. Because this is so awful, it needs to be shared. :) You're welcome!